Last night as I was trying to sleep I couldn't help hoping for some form of miracle. Not the otherworldly form, but that magical "could I just have some motivation, strength and willpower to actually achieve my goals" kind.
My weight has played heavily on my mind for the last few years, having a new lifestyle has taken it's toll. While I am incredibly happy, I seem to have lost not only my ability to eat healthily and exercise, but my desire to as well.
Here is my first confession... I have been eating close to a block of chocolate a day! I am horrified to admit that! But it's true... I find that I seem to get 'addicted' to chocolate and if I eat it regularly or in excess and it takes me about 3 days to actually 'detox' from it... and the cravings are torture.
Many of you have known me for years, and most of you watched me transform the last time I was able to lose weight. While I had vowed to never let myself get that big again, I did. Not only that, I put on more and I am the heaviest I have ever been.
I decided to start up a blog as my previous one really helped me to verbalise what was on my mind. I used it mostly when I was doing the 12WBT and knowing people were reading helped to keep me accountable. However, while I loved that blog, I feel that it is time for a new beginning.
I am hoping to not look back too much, but aim to look forward. While I have learned a lot from my past, I feel as though I am starting again, from the very beginning.
Now that Christmas is over, I am going to use the timing of the new year to start fresh. I joined Curves a few months ago and didn't tell anyone. I found that a circuit gym is the right place for me in this time of my life. I am pulled in so many directions and having a half an hour, no pressure session with wonderful ladies around is a great way to exercise. I have also made the decision to join up for their Curves Complete package; fitness, meal plan and coaching, it's only a couple of dollars more than I am paying now. I just need to remember to take it slow, one day at a time and all of those other cliches to not put too much pressure on myself.
Now here is my second confession, something I have held relatively close to my chest and while it's not exactly a confession, it is something I need to put out there as it will be a big part of my journey... A few months ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and I was having some pretty bad panic attacks where I didn't want to leave the house and would need to put myself into the bath for an hour to be able to calm down. I have been seeing a doctor and a counselor and I am currently on antidepressants.
It has taken me a while to realise this, and admit to it, but I'm pretty certain I am a comfort eater... which is where the anxiety can also link into my journey.
I have battled depression in the past and while I know I can get through this now, I also know it will be hard and I need to do everything I can to help myself. Eating better and exercising has always made me feel better inside and out, but I just need to make sure that if I slip, that I just keep going.
So, this is where I am, at the beginning, trying to get my head in the right space.
*gives ya a big hug* Good on you for taking these first steps towards your goals :)
ReplyDeleteKimba dn I are both right tere with ya, we're both trying to eat better and exercise more to lose weight and get fit, and one thing that I've found that really helps, which was told to me a while ago is this. Don'd make your focus to lose weight, and by this I don't mean don't try to lose weight, just to shift your mental focus away from the idea of *having* to lose wight and move it to focus on being healthy in what you do.
That and to paraphrase a quote from Kimba "I'm going to fail over and over and over again and I'm going to keep failing until I succeed".:)
and here's something that just came to me: To err is to be human, and so is to learn, so as long as you learn something new that will help you find your way back onto the path easier each time you stray from it, then it should never be considered an error or a mistake, as something valuable has been gained that could not have been gained any other way.
Thanks Eddie (and kimba lol) :) I need to keep that mantra in mind, to just keep going :)
DeleteGood on you for being able to speak openly. I don't really have a lot to add, but I have recently started buying the Old Gold 70% cocoa dark chocolate blocks. I find one row, two at most is satisfying and keeps the sweet cravings at bay. It's a lot better for you than milk chocolate and contains a lot of anti-oxidants. I find it helps to boost me too, if I am feeling a bit lethargic. Maybe give that a try as an alternative to your block a day. Guarantee, you wont eat a full block of that :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Chez :) unfortunately I can't have dark chocolate due to my migraines. I think what I might do is cut it down slowly, so maybe try to have a freddo (Or 2) a day and wean back from that... Or just try to go cold turkey for the three days so the cravings subside
ReplyDeleteReally? Does it cause migraines? I really find that surprising. I get migraines too but haven't had any since I started on the dark chocolate. I wonder why that is as the more pure the chocolate, the better it is for you. Time for me to do a little research about that. Going cold turkey sometimes is the best though, if you want to give it up altogether..choose 3 days where you are really busy to do it.
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