Last night as I was trying to sleep I couldn't help hoping for some form of miracle. Not the otherworldly form, but that magical "could I just have some motivation, strength and willpower to actually achieve my goals" kind.
My weight has played heavily on my mind for the last few years, having a new lifestyle has taken it's toll. While I am incredibly happy, I seem to have lost not only my ability to eat healthily and exercise, but my desire to as well.
Here is my first confession... I have been eating close to a block of chocolate a day! I am horrified to admit that! But it's true... I find that I seem to get 'addicted' to chocolate and if I eat it regularly or in excess and it takes me about 3 days to actually 'detox' from it... and the cravings are torture.
Many of you have known me for years, and most of you watched me transform the last time I was able to lose weight. While I had vowed to never let myself get that big again, I did. Not only that, I put on more and I am the heaviest I have ever been.
I decided to start up a blog as my previous one really helped me to verbalise what was on my mind. I used it mostly when I was doing the 12WBT and knowing people were reading helped to keep me accountable. However, while I loved that blog, I feel that it is time for a new beginning.
I am hoping to not look back too much, but aim to look forward. While I have learned a lot from my past, I feel as though I am starting again, from the very beginning.
Now that Christmas is over, I am going to use the timing of the new year to start fresh. I joined Curves a few months ago and didn't tell anyone. I found that a circuit gym is the right place for me in this time of my life. I am pulled in so many directions and having a half an hour, no pressure session with wonderful ladies around is a great way to exercise. I have also made the decision to join up for their Curves Complete package; fitness, meal plan and coaching, it's only a couple of dollars more than I am paying now. I just need to remember to take it slow, one day at a time and all of those other cliches to not put too much pressure on myself.
Now here is my second confession, something I have held relatively close to my chest and while it's not exactly a confession, it is something I need to put out there as it will be a big part of my journey... A few months ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and I was having some pretty bad panic attacks where I didn't want to leave the house and would need to put myself into the bath for an hour to be able to calm down. I have been seeing a doctor and a counselor and I am currently on antidepressants.
It has taken me a while to realise this, and admit to it, but I'm pretty certain I am a comfort eater... which is where the anxiety can also link into my journey.
I have battled depression in the past and while I know I can get through this now, I also know it will be hard and I need to do everything I can to help myself. Eating better and exercising has always made me feel better inside and out, but I just need to make sure that if I slip, that I just keep going.
So, this is where I am, at the beginning, trying to get my head in the right space.