Getting up again...

This post has been such a long time coming. I have written it in my head so many times and it has changed depending on where I am in life.

The truth is, I have been all over the place and so much has happened in the last 9 months. I am probably a lot heavier than I was then (I haven't even gone back to check it out), I am in a much better headspace with my anxiety, but overall still unhappy with my weight.

The thing is, I learned a long time ago to love myself, and I do. I love who I am and I am ok with who I am. I no longer feel out of place when I am with others because my interests are different or that my sense of humour isn't like everyone else's. I have made peace with my past and I have been able to move on from it.

But my body makes me feel so sad. I hate looking in the mirror when I am naked. I know this may be a common thing, but I didn't have this issue before. I have new stretchmarks on my stomach, hips, thighs, back, boobs and even in places I never thought you could get them. Overall, I have no issues with stretchmarks, but I haven't carried a child, I just got too fat. I thought I had finished my stretchmark days when I stopped being a teenager.

I have no one to blame but myself. I am the one who puts the food in my mouth, my eating habits are my own. The problem is that so much has changed. I have lost my 'healthy eating' tastebuds, it all tastes so bland again. I am back eating all of the sugary foods and chocolate and crap. My problem is that I am a comfort eater. And it can be a vicious circle. I think about trying to be healthier, look at healthier options, I look at how much weight I have to lose and then it all seems like too much, I feel sad and then I eat crap.

Recently I have been to the doctors about getting ready for when B and I want to try for a baby. Overall everything has come back great as far as blood tests and whatnot... but the biggest issue is my weight. I cannot deliver where I want to as my BMI is getting too high and there are a lot more health risks with being overweight and being pregnant. But the other side of this is that I don't want to have an unhealthy pregnancy. I don't want to be feeding a child crap.

Logically, you would think that this would give me the kick up the bum that I need. But it just makes it all seem so out of reach.

I know I did this before, but over 6 weeks I didn't manage to lose a thing while eating better and exercising more. I was really trying and my body had let me down. It seems that even when I do try to get my mindset right, it still doesn't happen.

So, here I am today, around 120kg, unhappy, poor self esteem when it comes to weight management and pretty much no desire to do anything about it as it seems so hard. I am constantly finding photos of myself when I was thinner and I can remember the confidence I had in my slimmer, fitter and healthier body, and also how proud of myself I felt. I really miss that, and now as we are heading into summer (and B and I are down the coast for the long weekend) I am reminded of that and I miss it.

BUT, I have made the decision to start blogging again, only to get my thoughts out of my head. I won't be advertising my posts or drawing any attention to my weight loss goals as I really just can't deal with the attention, and I just (at the moment at least) don't want to hear people's opinions on what I am doing and the choices I am making.

I have decided to go back to Curves Complete as I never really gave it a real go. After my first week of doing so well, someone said something to me that kind of knocked me on my arse and I just couldn't seem to get my shit together after that.

I need to find a way to find a balance in our family life that will make it all possible while following the plan. We don't eat very healthily at home when it comes to meals and it is something we need to remedy.

I guess it's time to change those tastebuds.

First Bellydancing Class

I've not long gotten back from my first bellydancing class in 5 years! I had forgotten how much I enjoyed it... and how confused my feet seem to get! haha! There were a couple of tracks where I recognised the music and I had parts of the choreography running through my head, and it made me smile.

As much fun as it was, it made me realise a couple things; I can't look at myself in the mirror. I think I was the biggest girl in the room, and I just couldn't look at myself... I was so embarrassed. I can't believe I actually look like that. We don't have any full length mirrors at home, so it's been a while since I have really looked at myself. I also came to realise how awkward I am around people now... I feel so self conscious and I feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me. I spent most of the class avoiding looking at myself and wringing/holding my hands - something I do when I am nervous or anxious.

The thing that I think is quite odd about me, is that these kinds of things don't usually spur me on or encourage me to lose the weight.  It makes me feel like things are hopeless and that I shouldn't even bother trying. I am really grateful that I have realised this tonight as I have been able to turn it around and I can look at it as a way to make things better as not only am I exercising and doing something that makes me happy, but I am also getting out of my comfort zone and being around other people.

I also realised on the way home that I really think that bellydancing will help with getting my self confidence back. I also came across this on facebook tonight, and I wanted to share (plus I love Drew).

Week 6 Weigh In

So I've just had my week 6 weigh in, although let's be honest, I haven't been sticking to it for 6 weeks.

However, after having the heart to heart with the owner at the gym and doing the hypnosis at night, it looks like something must have clicked because I had a 1.8kg loss this week!! Crazy!!! So I am now sitting at 110kg exactly.

I honestly didn't think that I would have a loss, let alone such a large one!!!

Friday was the worst day last week for eating as I'd had a terrible afternoon which ended in comfort eating.  This along with it being Valentines day meant that it wasn't so great eating wise.

I realised today that I still haven't taken a 'before' photo... I really need to do that!!

Another thing I haven't mentioned yet, and that is that I have signed up to do belly dancing again! My first class is tonight.  I am a little nervous about it all, but it will be good to do it again, I've missed it!

Thank you

I just want to say a big thank you to everyone who has been reading and commenting.  Your help and support has meant a lot to me and has helped me so much.

While my eating habits still haven't been so great, they have been better.  There has still been chocolate and comfort eating, but I have felt a shift in my mindset and I am trying not to beat myself up so much.

Myf suggested making some smaller goals.  So this week I have been focusing on cooking dinner each night, as we have gotten a bit slack with this and there has been a lot of take out.  So far, so good.  We have planned to eat out tomorrow night for Valentines Day, but at least it is planned. I need to come up with some weekly goals I think, something to aim for and concentrate on.

I have also started getting my snacks ready, so I have a couple of days worth ready to go into my bag each day.  Now I just need to work on making sure I eat these and not buy chocolate.

Lunches have been better.  Yesterday I made myself a sandwich when I made the school lunches, and the day before I had Zambreros.  I need to make my lunch for today, and will do that shortly as well as put dinner into the slow cooker.  If anyone has any slow cooker recipes they would reccommend I'd love to hear about them.

Chez has also told me about a hypnosis app which has a lot of different topics, including weightloss, so I have been listening to this the last couple of nights while in bed. I'm not sure if it's working yet, but my mindset is better, so it may be due to that.

I still need to do up my meal plan for the week, but I started watching some videos ont he Curves Complete site this morning, and there are a couple there that are quite good.  I came across this quote which I thought was interesting:

"A journey changes your location

A process changes you"

Basically, it's saying that by planning and putting a process into place you can change, but a journey only changes your location and is short term.

So it's been a couple of weeks...

... and I have fallen off the wagon.

Truth be told, I fell off the wagon in Week 2, but was trying to kid myself that I was doing ok.

The thing is, a friend of mine made a comment to me around this time that I don't believe was intentionally negative, but it got stuck in my head all the same.  Round and round it went, and I basically gave up.

I have been beating myself up mentally for the last couple of weeks, and there has been a block of chocolate... one in 5 weeks. While that is good, it doesn't mean I haven't been eating other chocolate... and that is not so good... in fact, I have eaten quite a lot of chocolate in the last couple of weeks.

I have just been eating what I want, and not following the Curves Complete plan at all. I kept coming up with excuses about it all, but the truth is, I lost faith in myself.

I am still trying to find it.

It is so hard to try and get it all right, I do need a plan, I do need routine and right now I have neither.  I have been trying to get together an idea of what I want to do for my meal plan, and so far it's really half-arsed. I need to commit to it and get it sorted... but I have no motivation.

I had my weigh in this morning at Curves and spent half an hour talking to my coach (today it was the owner), and she got my head straight. But now that I am home, my head is twisted again.  I think my job for this afternoon/tonight is to get my meals planned and watch the videos on the website. Oh and just so you all know, my weight went up... now the heaviest I have been.... 111.2kg! Not cool.

I don't remember how to be patient with all of this... I know I said initally that I don't want to look back, but I do... I miss who I used to be. I miss enjoying healthy eating and I miss enjoying exercise. Right now they both seem so boring and too hard.

Week 2 Weigh In

As I mentioned in my post this morning, Week 2 didn't go so well. But I put my big girl knickers on and went to Curves this morning for my weekly weigh in and workout.

It was really good to sit down with my coach and talk through last week, the highs and the lows.  She was able to give me some suggestions on things to do.

So, as predicted, I did gain... almost everything I lost. So I am currently sitting at 109.5kg, but looking at the positive side, it's still 200g less than my original weight. and I spose a loss is a loss and heading in the right direction.

After my workout I headed to the other side of Canberra for my doctors visit. She is really happy with my progress since I was diagnosed with anxiety and we have decided that I will go back in a couple of months to see how everything is going and to see about the possibility of starting to lower my anti depressant dosage. I don't want to rush it, but I do want to be drug free again.

I also got my grocery shopping done, so hopefully I will be able to stick to the plan this week. I am just about to put the plan on my fridge so that I can see it all the time.

Week 2 in Review... and my Week 1 weigh in

I have been meaning to write this post all week, and maybe if I had the week would have gone better...

Overall it wasn't a bad week, but due to the heat and having a five year old underfoot all week, it really didn't go as planned and I'm pretty sure I will have gained weight this week.

I think it really started after my weigh in last week.  The problem is, my scales are much kinder and I was a little disappointed that my weigh in wasn't as good, especially for a first week weigh in.  In saying that I lost 1.1kg so it's nothing to sneer at, but because I was expecting a 2kg loss, I was disappointed.

I think because of this disappointment I became quite lax in my eating habits, but also in my mindset.  I didn't print out my plan or watch my Curves videos.  Looking back I think having my weekly plan on the fridge makes a big difference as it is a constant reminder.

Foodwise, there was chocolate... not blocks, but there was chocolate... and I found that as soon as I had some, I wanted more each day. Because we were in over 40 degree heat, all I wanted was quick and easy food... which meant we had pizza a couple of times this week too... which definitely didn't help.  Plus there was a date night last night (bowling) where we had hot dogs and chips, so over all I think this week can be counted as a bit of a fail.

I also missed a work out due to a weird work schedule, so I only got 2 in this week.

I think I will keep my meal plan this week as close to last weeks as possible, just for ease as well as using up some of the ingredients we didn't use this week.

I have my weigh in at 10am this morning and then a work out, so we'll see how that goes.  I think as soon as I get home this morning I will need to write a blog post just to try and get my head right. And I will have to make sure I watch the videos too.