Getting up again...

This post has been such a long time coming. I have written it in my head so many times and it has changed depending on where I am in life.

The truth is, I have been all over the place and so much has happened in the last 9 months. I am probably a lot heavier than I was then (I haven't even gone back to check it out), I am in a much better headspace with my anxiety, but overall still unhappy with my weight.

The thing is, I learned a long time ago to love myself, and I do. I love who I am and I am ok with who I am. I no longer feel out of place when I am with others because my interests are different or that my sense of humour isn't like everyone else's. I have made peace with my past and I have been able to move on from it.

But my body makes me feel so sad. I hate looking in the mirror when I am naked. I know this may be a common thing, but I didn't have this issue before. I have new stretchmarks on my stomach, hips, thighs, back, boobs and even in places I never thought you could get them. Overall, I have no issues with stretchmarks, but I haven't carried a child, I just got too fat. I thought I had finished my stretchmark days when I stopped being a teenager.

I have no one to blame but myself. I am the one who puts the food in my mouth, my eating habits are my own. The problem is that so much has changed. I have lost my 'healthy eating' tastebuds, it all tastes so bland again. I am back eating all of the sugary foods and chocolate and crap. My problem is that I am a comfort eater. And it can be a vicious circle. I think about trying to be healthier, look at healthier options, I look at how much weight I have to lose and then it all seems like too much, I feel sad and then I eat crap.

Recently I have been to the doctors about getting ready for when B and I want to try for a baby. Overall everything has come back great as far as blood tests and whatnot... but the biggest issue is my weight. I cannot deliver where I want to as my BMI is getting too high and there are a lot more health risks with being overweight and being pregnant. But the other side of this is that I don't want to have an unhealthy pregnancy. I don't want to be feeding a child crap.

Logically, you would think that this would give me the kick up the bum that I need. But it just makes it all seem so out of reach.

I know I did this before, but over 6 weeks I didn't manage to lose a thing while eating better and exercising more. I was really trying and my body had let me down. It seems that even when I do try to get my mindset right, it still doesn't happen.

So, here I am today, around 120kg, unhappy, poor self esteem when it comes to weight management and pretty much no desire to do anything about it as it seems so hard. I am constantly finding photos of myself when I was thinner and I can remember the confidence I had in my slimmer, fitter and healthier body, and also how proud of myself I felt. I really miss that, and now as we are heading into summer (and B and I are down the coast for the long weekend) I am reminded of that and I miss it.

BUT, I have made the decision to start blogging again, only to get my thoughts out of my head. I won't be advertising my posts or drawing any attention to my weight loss goals as I really just can't deal with the attention, and I just (at the moment at least) don't want to hear people's opinions on what I am doing and the choices I am making.

I have decided to go back to Curves Complete as I never really gave it a real go. After my first week of doing so well, someone said something to me that kind of knocked me on my arse and I just couldn't seem to get my shit together after that.

I need to find a way to find a balance in our family life that will make it all possible while following the plan. We don't eat very healthily at home when it comes to meals and it is something we need to remedy.

I guess it's time to change those tastebuds.

Thank you

I just want to say a big thank you to everyone who has been reading and commenting.  Your help and support has meant a lot to me and has helped me so much.

While my eating habits still haven't been so great, they have been better.  There has still been chocolate and comfort eating, but I have felt a shift in my mindset and I am trying not to beat myself up so much.

Myf suggested making some smaller goals.  So this week I have been focusing on cooking dinner each night, as we have gotten a bit slack with this and there has been a lot of take out.  So far, so good.  We have planned to eat out tomorrow night for Valentines Day, but at least it is planned. I need to come up with some weekly goals I think, something to aim for and concentrate on.

I have also started getting my snacks ready, so I have a couple of days worth ready to go into my bag each day.  Now I just need to work on making sure I eat these and not buy chocolate.

Lunches have been better.  Yesterday I made myself a sandwich when I made the school lunches, and the day before I had Zambreros.  I need to make my lunch for today, and will do that shortly as well as put dinner into the slow cooker.  If anyone has any slow cooker recipes they would reccommend I'd love to hear about them.

Chez has also told me about a hypnosis app which has a lot of different topics, including weightloss, so I have been listening to this the last couple of nights while in bed. I'm not sure if it's working yet, but my mindset is better, so it may be due to that.

I still need to do up my meal plan for the week, but I started watching some videos ont he Curves Complete site this morning, and there are a couple there that are quite good.  I came across this quote which I thought was interesting:

"A journey changes your location

A process changes you"

Basically, it's saying that by planning and putting a process into place you can change, but a journey only changes your location and is short term.

So it's been a couple of weeks...

... and I have fallen off the wagon.

Truth be told, I fell off the wagon in Week 2, but was trying to kid myself that I was doing ok.

The thing is, a friend of mine made a comment to me around this time that I don't believe was intentionally negative, but it got stuck in my head all the same.  Round and round it went, and I basically gave up.

I have been beating myself up mentally for the last couple of weeks, and there has been a block of chocolate... one in 5 weeks. While that is good, it doesn't mean I haven't been eating other chocolate... and that is not so good... in fact, I have eaten quite a lot of chocolate in the last couple of weeks.

I have just been eating what I want, and not following the Curves Complete plan at all. I kept coming up with excuses about it all, but the truth is, I lost faith in myself.

I am still trying to find it.

It is so hard to try and get it all right, I do need a plan, I do need routine and right now I have neither.  I have been trying to get together an idea of what I want to do for my meal plan, and so far it's really half-arsed. I need to commit to it and get it sorted... but I have no motivation.

I had my weigh in this morning at Curves and spent half an hour talking to my coach (today it was the owner), and she got my head straight. But now that I am home, my head is twisted again.  I think my job for this afternoon/tonight is to get my meals planned and watch the videos on the website. Oh and just so you all know, my weight went up... now the heaviest I have been.... 111.2kg! Not cool.

I don't remember how to be patient with all of this... I know I said initally that I don't want to look back, but I do... I miss who I used to be. I miss enjoying healthy eating and I miss enjoying exercise. Right now they both seem so boring and too hard.