Saturday, 4 October 2014

Getting up again...

This post has been such a long time coming. I have written it in my head so many times and it has changed depending on where I am in life.

The truth is, I have been all over the place and so much has happened in the last 9 months. I am probably a lot heavier than I was then (I haven't even gone back to check it out), I am in a much better headspace with my anxiety, but overall still unhappy with my weight.

The thing is, I learned a long time ago to love myself, and I do. I love who I am and I am ok with who I am. I no longer feel out of place when I am with others because my interests are different or that my sense of humour isn't like everyone else's. I have made peace with my past and I have been able to move on from it.

But my body makes me feel so sad. I hate looking in the mirror when I am naked. I know this may be a common thing, but I didn't have this issue before. I have new stretchmarks on my stomach, hips, thighs, back, boobs and even in places I never thought you could get them. Overall, I have no issues with stretchmarks, but I haven't carried a child, I just got too fat. I thought I had finished my stretchmark days when I stopped being a teenager.

I have no one to blame but myself. I am the one who puts the food in my mouth, my eating habits are my own. The problem is that so much has changed. I have lost my 'healthy eating' tastebuds, it all tastes so bland again. I am back eating all of the sugary foods and chocolate and crap. My problem is that I am a comfort eater. And it can be a vicious circle. I think about trying to be healthier, look at healthier options, I look at how much weight I have to lose and then it all seems like too much, I feel sad and then I eat crap.

Recently I have been to the doctors about getting ready for when B and I want to try for a baby. Overall everything has come back great as far as blood tests and whatnot... but the biggest issue is my weight. I cannot deliver where I want to as my BMI is getting too high and there are a lot more health risks with being overweight and being pregnant. But the other side of this is that I don't want to have an unhealthy pregnancy. I don't want to be feeding a child crap.

Logically, you would think that this would give me the kick up the bum that I need. But it just makes it all seem so out of reach.

I know I did this before, but over 6 weeks I didn't manage to lose a thing while eating better and exercising more. I was really trying and my body had let me down. It seems that even when I do try to get my mindset right, it still doesn't happen.

So, here I am today, around 120kg, unhappy, poor self esteem when it comes to weight management and pretty much no desire to do anything about it as it seems so hard. I am constantly finding photos of myself when I was thinner and I can remember the confidence I had in my slimmer, fitter and healthier body, and also how proud of myself I felt. I really miss that, and now as we are heading into summer (and B and I are down the coast for the long weekend) I am reminded of that and I miss it.

BUT, I have made the decision to start blogging again, only to get my thoughts out of my head. I won't be advertising my posts or drawing any attention to my weight loss goals as I really just can't deal with the attention, and I just (at the moment at least) don't want to hear people's opinions on what I am doing and the choices I am making.

I have decided to go back to Curves Complete as I never really gave it a real go. After my first week of doing so well, someone said something to me that kind of knocked me on my arse and I just couldn't seem to get my shit together after that.

I need to find a way to find a balance in our family life that will make it all possible while following the plan. We don't eat very healthily at home when it comes to meals and it is something we need to remedy.

I guess it's time to change those tastebuds.

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